Parenting a Strong-Willed Child in my Inability and Christ's All-Sufficiency
As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I absolutely love my two girls, and they truly are two of the biggest joys to my life! But, they could not be more different. One is a raging extrovert and natural leader with a tenacious will, and the other is equally opposite –more introverted, laid back, and tender-hearted. Likewise, Jeff and I try to consider these differences in the unique ways we parent and disciple them.
In my recent walk with God, the area of life where I probably struggle the most with control vs. surrender is in parenting. Never have I felt more ill-equipped to do something well, despite a huge amount of effort, than in raising a strong-willed child. Few things will make you feel like a failure more quickly than a child you are supposed to “train” who wants to defy and resist your authority when it doesn’t line up with their own plans.
Recently, there was a situation with our strong-willed daughter that required some discipline and discipleship… and the Lord used it to change my heart. The specifics don’t matter in the context of this post, and I always want to be respectful to my family in anything I share online, but there were hurt feelings (another child’s), some initial misunderstanding about how she was coming across (my child), and a good side helping of shame (me). I fell in bed last night feeling overwhelmed and simply insufficient in parenting this kid as we attempt to help her grow into the person we want her to be. Despite my husband’s encouragement and the memory of all the fruit we have seen over the past several months, the thought, “I can’t do this” – a lie undoubtedly planted by the enemy, rang deafeningly in my mind.
This morning, I didn’t wake up early enough to have a quiet time before the kids, but as soon as I got them off to school, I sat down with my coffee and opened my new favorite devotional, New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp. Within the first few words of the opening lines, my heart leapt with hope, as I felt the Lord speaking directly to me in my current feelings:
Will your responses today be shaped more by fear of your inability or by celebration of Christ’s sufficiency? (Tripp, 2014)
As I continued to read, these parts of the text particularly jumped out at me:
“You have two ways of looking at life. You can look at all your internal and external challenges from the perspective of your track record and present catalog of abilities, or you can look at them from the vantage point of the sufficiency of the word of Jesus on your behalf…
The gospel of Jesus Christ is not just an aspect of your theology… Your relationship with God through Jesus is your life… Don’t give way to the fear of inability when the work of Jesus has supplied you with everything you need.” (Tripp, 2014)
The Bible passage was 2 Peter 1:1-11, and I picked up my husband’s Bible, which uses a different translation (NLT) than mine (NIV). The phrasing of the v. 5-8 spoke directly to me, and gave me such hope in this particular parenting situation:
“So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God better leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (2 Peter 1:5-8)
When I got to the part about self-control, tears came to my eyes, because self-control and self-awareness are frequent prayers I pray for my daughter. These verses reminded me that my daughter’s walk with Christ and the Holy Spirit’s work in her life are a process, just as in mine. It gave me a wonderful, specific way to pray for the Spirit to grow these things in her, and gave me renewed confidence that, as she grows to know God more and more, her self-control will increase, and her love and empathy for others will authentically grow deeper and deeper.
The Lord also reminded me that as much as my daughter resists my control and authority, I am prone to resisting His authority and control in my parenting and other areas of my life. My job is not to hyper-control my kids, but to be responsible for the things He has entrusted me to do, and leave control of their hearts to Him – who made them and loves them even more than me. Not a new lesson for me, but one I certainly needed to be reminded of today, and tomorrow, and the next day. I spent some time after that prayer journaling, and here is an excerpt I felt led to share:
Father, once again, I give this child back to You. You made her with this exact personality – passionate and strong willed – on purpose, for a purpose – and I choose to trust that You will be faithful to carry out Your purpose for her in Your timing and by Your ways. You have called me to love her unconditionally (a model of how You love us), to show her Jesus and show her my need for Him, to be consistent in providing discipline from a place of grace not anger, and to go after her heart more strongly than behavior modification. My weapons are prayer and scripture against the enemy’s plans and attempts to destroy her life, my life, and our family. I will choose to trust in Your power and sufficiency through Jesus’ finished work on the cross, be obedient in doing my part to disciple her, and leave the rest to You. Thank you for Your steadfast love, encouragement, and faithfulness, when I, too, am a wayward child.
I hope this encouraged you, as it did me. If I can pray for you in your parenting or any other way, please send a message or let me know. It would be my honor!